When a simple “no” is too much

by | Autism, Parenting

From inside a lighthouse

When an answer to a typical question is “no” yet again, sometimes it’s not just about that one answer. As Taz descended into catatonic quiet again this morning I felt like I’d been that straw that broke the camel’s back. Logically I knew that I hadn’t actually caused his descent, but I felt like I had. Just like that one last task that overheats a computer, my “no” caused Taz to shut down. I’m as helpless with him as I am with an overheating computer, which doesn’t sit well. No one needs a CEO who has no idea what to do next, especially my family. There’s nothing like circling mummy guilt to make things worse then they already are, so instead of taking the focus off him and moving forward, I fell into the trap of trying to connect with him, over and over. Like tapping on a lighthouse window, I circled helplessly. Then I had to leave him there, hiding in the only dark corner of his classroom, unsure if I was abandoning him, or if he was happy to get away from me so he could calm down. I know he can calm himself down. I know I can’t really do anything to help, yet I still feel the pull, like my mummy magic wand could appear and make everything right. But there is no magic wand… Not in my world… 🙁

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